Focus

Sometimes it feels like I'm underwater. Everything is slow. I can think, but then physically moving is hard. I don't care to move very fast. I couldn't care to do anything, nor do I really want to do anything. I could just sit on a couch or lie down on a bed and just sleep or zone out, forever. If I just let it take over then that's it.

Things I find that help me get going:

1) Focusing on small, repetitive or no-thinking-required tasks.

• Doing laundry
• Washing dishes
• Organizing things
• Cleaning

Kind of funny, now that I think about it... maybe I could get more chores done if I were depressed. Ha. But that wouldn't be very good!

2) Do something. Always do something. Never let it take over.

When I'm normal, I never want to lie down in bed after waking up for two or three hours. When I'm in the mood, I don't care. I could wake up if I wanted to, but I just don't care. Nothing matters.

Also whenever I say things like "nothing matters anymore" or "I don't care" that's just how I feel if I don't fight it. I am always trying to fight it, and sometimes it's so hard because I can't bring myself to care. This is the worst, worse than anger or jealousy. I can't control it at all and I can't feel anything or care. It feels like my soul is dying. The only thing worse I can think of is probably the feeling of a loved one dying. Because then they're gone for the next 50-70 or so years I'll be alive, assuming I live the "full lifespan" of a human being. Living life without someone, knowing that they're not just in another town or country doing living-people things, feels like a piece of me got ripped out. Depression is like any sense of my self is fading away. Not even rotting. Its just eroding away and I can't stop it, and if I don't fight back then I'll just fade away.

If you read His Dark Materials, if you know what happens to people after the specters eat their daemons, that's sort of similar.

I'll probably delete this later when I get self-conscious, but otherwise, this is a good reminder to myself.