Oops, good bye old blog posts!

When Posterous closed down, I uploaded all my old blog posts onto tumblr.

A few months ago I deleted my tumblrs.

I just realized today that I had deleted all my blog posts from the past few years... kind of sad. It's like realizing I just threw out a bunch of old journals. Bummer! It's always nice to read back on old journals/blog entries to see my line of thought and what sorts of things happened. Oh well!

White Noise Mixer

http://www.soundsleeping.com/index.php

Make your own white noise mix here! Click "Pick Sound" in each section. You can adjust the volumes for each sound.

The Dream

Yup been there myself man. Everyone handles it differently. I didn't and still don't feel the least bit bad about it. These guys would have killed me and my brothers and all our families if they would have had the chance.

The only one I felt even a little bit bad about was the young one. I never found out his real age but he couldn't have been more than 18, which was only a year younger than I was at the time. I say only a little bit bad because he had most definitely chosen to be there, and was ready to fight had we/I not put him down, he would have killed someone. When I saw his face after it was over, and how young he was, it bothered me a little bit.

I don't know if you ever had to take anti-Malaria pills when you were deployed but we did. For some reason they make you have really vivid dreams. I had a dream 2 nights after I shot that kid that I had the ability to time travel and I went back in time to visit that kid when he was 12 years old. I explained everything to him (even though I didn't speak his language, he understood me), how his path would eventually lead him to me, and warned him how his life was going to end if he didn't correct it. I told him I didn't want to have to kill him, but that I would if I found him in that same point under the same circumstances. He said he understood. In my dream I sincerely tried to help him and prevent him from dying so young because I really didn't want to kill him. Then the next part of the dream was replaying the moment we made contact with him and his group, and he was there again, even despite my warning. I shot him again in my dream exactly the same way but in the dream we made eye contact, and it was like he communicated to me that even knowing the truth, he still chose this. He was a true believer.

Honestly the dream affected me more than the actual act of killing him did in the weeks after that. I wondered what it meant that in my dream, which was amazingly vivid, I had tried to help him avoid me. Now, several years later I feel like having that dream helped me rationalize it. What happened to him was the end of a long series of bad decisions on his part. Those decisions led him here, and that's where he died. I was simply the last sentence in the book of his life.

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1ohrap/serious_redditors_who_have_killed_someone_by/

Focus

Sometimes it feels like I'm underwater. Everything is slow. I can think, but then physically moving is hard. I don't care to move very fast. I couldn't care to do anything, nor do I really want to do anything. I could just sit on a couch or lie down on a bed and just sleep or zone out, forever. If I just let it take over then that's it.

Things I find that help me get going:

1) Focusing on small, repetitive or no-thinking-required tasks.

• Doing laundry
• Washing dishes
• Organizing things
• Cleaning

Kind of funny, now that I think about it... maybe I could get more chores done if I were depressed. Ha. But that wouldn't be very good!

2) Do something. Always do something. Never let it take over.

When I'm normal, I never want to lie down in bed after waking up for two or three hours. When I'm in the mood, I don't care. I could wake up if I wanted to, but I just don't care. Nothing matters.

Also whenever I say things like "nothing matters anymore" or "I don't care" that's just how I feel if I don't fight it. I am always trying to fight it, and sometimes it's so hard because I can't bring myself to care. This is the worst, worse than anger or jealousy. I can't control it at all and I can't feel anything or care. It feels like my soul is dying. The only thing worse I can think of is probably the feeling of a loved one dying. Because then they're gone for the next 50-70 or so years I'll be alive, assuming I live the "full lifespan" of a human being. Living life without someone, knowing that they're not just in another town or country doing living-people things, feels like a piece of me got ripped out. Depression is like any sense of my self is fading away. Not even rotting. Its just eroding away and I can't stop it, and if I don't fight back then I'll just fade away.

If you read His Dark Materials, if you know what happens to people after the specters eat their daemons, that's sort of similar.

I'll probably delete this later when I get self-conscious, but otherwise, this is a good reminder to myself.

Yoko Kanno - Dear John

(This song doesn't sound sappy at all! It moves along pretty well, like rock-ish)

Days of night slip through my mind

In a silent moonless sky

Paralyzed and motionless

All things falter

Somewhere back I lost myself 

So far deep inside of you

Everything's become too much

So deep

So weak

Where did I go?

Images of falling light move across the hollow sky

I see movement after all

Calling

Falling

Remember you're not the only one to feel this way

'Cause I'm one who has also had enough

So long 

Dear John

I'm gonna go

Bonk

This is possibly my most favorite photo so far.

Also, new champion Jinx! So excited! :)

Apple Bread vs. Banana Bread

Me and bro were happily eating the apple bread my mom made and making happy eating noises.

Mom: Which one do you like better, the apple bread or the banana bread?

Me: Apple

Bro: Apple

Mom: Oh..................... (snicker)

Me: What's so funny?

Mom: I'm glad you enjoy the apple bread... because I think it's disgusting AHHAHA it's funny seeing you and Chris enjoy it so much because I was gonna throw it out. Good thing you don't like the banana bread because now I can eat it all by myself!

I love you too mom!